I believe we fall into perfectionism because of the fear of not being enough. Perfectionism becomes a mask, a way to portray ourselves as someone who does everything right—someone who is always on top of things, always strong and composed. Because if no one else can see my flaws, then everything must be fine, right?

The Dark Secret of Perfectionism

Unfortunately, perfectionism holds a very dark secret: it prevents us from being who we truly are. It stops us from enjoying ourselves and from accepting our human flaws.

My own recovery from perfectionism began when I hit a wall after finishing my PhD. Reflecting on those years now, I remember them as the most brutal for my inner perfectionist.

The scientific community is known for being highly critical and strict. So, when I entered this field, I felt compelled to conform to its rigid norms. I just had to be perfect. And I failed. Over and over again. I failed miserably at writing perfect articles and preparing perfect presentations. No matter how much I prepared, I always felt like it wasn’t enough. In hindsight, I am grateful for this experience because it allowed me to confront the shadow side of my personality—the perfectionist within.

The Breakdown and the Breakthrough

What followed my years in science was a complete unraveling. I was completely burned out, crying at work, and feeling anxious and depressed most of my waking hours. I realized I could not continue doing this to myself. What I needed was to be myself, finally. What I truly wanted was freedom—from the inner critical voice that constantly told me how I had failed, how I underperformed, and how I could have done better. I had to let go of almost everything I was holding onto for safety and approval.

For me, the path to healing involved a lot of not doing, practicing not judging myself for not doing, and forgiving myself when I fell back into old patterns. I started to compliment myself when I did something well, and I allowed myself to do things imperfectly. I let go of a lot of my need for control and started to experiment with life, little by little. I spent more time in nature, doing things I enjoyed. I started dancing again, sleeping longer, and began to treat myself with kindness.

The Role of Self-Doubt

My journey revealed that perfectionism is closely tied to self-doubt—the process of doubting ourselves, our worth, and projecting that doubt onto everything we do, create, or say. The most potent cure for self-doubt is self-love. We are not human doings; we are human beings. Only by allowing ourselves more freedom can we truly heal.

As little children, we are completely limitless and don’t judge our creations as good or bad. They simply are. A little girl builds her sandcastle, adds another tower, destroys it with vigor, and then builds it again. This brings me to a fundamental question: What is wrong and what is right? What is the “right” way to do something?

The Cure for Perfectionism: Creativity

I believe the ultimate cure for perfectionism is allowing the flow of creativity in whatever we do. To create, sometimes in messy ways, but always with passion and life. The greatest burden of perfectionism is the block it creates for our creative outlets. When we are caught in the perfectionist mindset, it’s hard to even get started because we fear that if we don’t do it perfectly, it will be a disaster. So, we don’t try at all. This is a shame because the best way to create anything in life is through experimentation—by doing, failing, learning, and improving through iterations. Nothing is flawless from the start.

5 Tips to Conquer Perfectionism

Here are five tips to help you confront the perfectionist within:

1. Befriend Your Perfectionism
Don’t try to get rid of it right away. Instead, understand it. This part of you comes from deep wounds—the pain of a little child who was shamed, yelled at, or not supported. Acknowledge and hold this part of yourself with compassion.

2. Set Imperfect Standards
Try to do something below your usual standards of perfection. For example, with a work assignment, let go of the need to make it perfect. Leave certain parts less than ideal, then send it anyway. This is a step toward releasing control.

3. Take Mindful Breaks
Perfectionists often overwork because they want to control the outcome. Instead of trying to control everything, focus on balance by taking breaks. Use this time for mindfulness—take a walk, do some breathing exercises, meditate, or enjoy a mindful lunch.

4. Take It Step by Step
Perfectionists tend to feel overwhelmed by the bigger picture. Instead of trying to do everything at once, take it one step at a time. Confront your fears and do what makes you uncomfortable. Remember the mantra: “Feel the fear and do it anyway!”

5. Have Fun
Perfectionists are notorious for taking life too seriously. Remember, life is a playground. Allow yourself to laugh, enjoy, and not take yourself so seriously. Build, rebuild, and destroy your “sandcastles” as you go.

Conclusion

Perfectionism may never disappear entirely, but with time and self-compassion, its grip can loosen. By embracing imperfection, focusing on creativity, and allowing ourselves the freedom to fail, we can begin to enjoy life more fully. And, perhaps, in the process, we’ll find the freedom and joy we’ve been searching for all along.

With Love and light,
Nina